BURT DESTRUCTION

FAULT LINES MY ASS

2010-04-20T10:27:00.001-07:00

I really enjoyed this article. Mostly because of the first tagline;

A senior Iranian cleric says women who wear revealing clothing and behave promiscuously are to blame for earthquakes.

If this was true, L.A. would be under water.

GIANTS BASEBALL IS BACK

2010-04-05T11:06:00.001-07:00

All hail the Crazy Crab. Lou Seal can get bent. UUUUUUUUUU RIIIIIIIBE

WISDOM

2010-03-30T13:16:00.000-07:00

You know, walk the earth, meet people... get into adventures. Like Caine from "Kung Fu."

2010-03-25T11:48:00.001-07:00

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

I LOVE HER LAR

2010-03-25T11:41:00.001-07:00

Frakken

2010-03-19T14:41:00.000-07:00

Frat guy + Mythical sea monster = Frakken

orrrr.....

Clash of the Broseidens

Thanks Joe!

HAPPY ST PATRICKS DAY YA DRUNKS

2010-03-17T15:10:00.001-07:00

GOALS AREN'T ALWAYS A GOOD THING

2010-03-17T07:51:00.000-07:00

This is DOnna Simpson, and she has a dream. A dream to find a cure for cancer? Perhaps a way to help those with learning disabilities? Nope. Donna wants to be the fattest woman on record. Here is a nice little blurb about her "goal";

Miss Simpson, 42, from New Jersey, USA, already holds the Guinness World Record as the world's biggest mum.

She was 520lbs when she had daughter Jacqueline, three, becoming the largest woman to give birth.

Now she weighs a mega 600lbs, or 43 stone, and hopes to break the 1,000lbs or half a ton mark.

Miss Simpson, who wears XXXXXXXL dresses, eats whole cakes and bags of donuts and tries to move as little as possible.

"I'd love to be 1,000lb," she said.

"It might be hard though. Running after my daughter keeps my weight down."

She runs her own website where people pay to watch her eat, or see her wash her huge body.

The cash helps fund the family's $750 a week food shop, which Miss Simpson carries out in her mobility scooter.

She met her partner Philippe, 49, seven years ago on a dating site for plus-size people.

Philippe, who weighs just 150lbs, is a self-confessed fat admirer, who will only look at a woman if she weighs over 28 stone.

But Miss Simpson, who has an older son Devin, 14, from a previous relationship, insists she's healthy.

"My favourite food is sushi, but unlike others I can sit and eat 70 big pieces of sushi in one go," she said.

"I do love cakes and sweet things, doughnuts are my favourite."

Seriously!?!

RIP COREY FELDMAN

2010-03-10T11:17:00.000-08:00

He was absolutely amazing in Rock and Roll High School.

LOOKS LIKE FUN

2010-03-03T10:29:00.000-08:00

This painting is awesome. I want to go swimming with a duck right now.

BRAIN HURT FROM STUPID PEOPLE TALKING

2010-02-26T10:45:00.001-08:00

This little muffin tops name is Lauren Ashley. She is the self proclaimed Miss Beverly Hills or something like that. From my understanding she is competing in the “beauty” pageant for Miss California. Well as most young ladies in this industry know the best way to get your name out there is to hate gay people. She quoted a bible verse that in a manner of speaking said that gay people should killed;

If man lies with mankind as he would lie with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination. They shall surely be put to death and their blood shall be upon them.

That’s pretty biblical. Obviously, this young lady is quite worldly and a role model for young girls everywhere. Wait, I meant fat entitled hose beast that should have rotten vegetables thrown at her.

Many people have already addressed her comments and she is getting the attention she had sought. Don’t worry though, she has the strong support of the National Organization for Marriage, and its President Maggie Gallagher, who dropped this little gem;

GIVE ME MORE DONUT HOLES!!!!

No actually she said this;

But I have to say, I am impressed with her courage in coming forward and for speaking up for Carrie. The elected officials of city of Beverly Hills are not demonstrating tolerance or kindness by continuing the avalanche of hatred against supporters of Prop 8.

I slapped my head so hard after that I got a concussion. These people are not demonstrating tolerance? GAHHHHH! My brain hurts.

BALD EAGLE BOOMBOXES

2010-02-25T10:58:00.000-08:00

I am not saying I have made one of these yet but it is going to happen. What you are looking at right now is a rough schematic of what I envision the finished product to look like. The bald eagle doesn't have to wear the sunglasses but I think that it's a nice touch. I contemplated giving him a fresh pair of Air Force Ones but then realized that he wouldn't be able to use his talons. Talons are like birds hands.

VACATION CAT

2010-02-23T14:15:00.001-08:00

Gif maker

COACH WIENER

2010-02-22T14:17:00.000-08:00

P.E. with Coach Wiener: Baseball - watch more funny videos

MY SPIRIT ANIMAL

2010-02-19T08:40:00.000-08:00

2010-02-17T09:06:00.000-08:00

Stu Nahan: Hello everybody! I'm Stu Nahan, and I'd like you to meet this young man. His name, Jeff Spicoli. And Jeff, congratulations to you. Things looked kind of rough out there today.
Jeff Spicoli: Well, I'll tell you Stu, I did battle some humongous waves! But you know, just like I told the guy on ABC, "Danger is my business!"
Stu Nahan: You know, a lot of people expected maybe Mark "Cutback" Davis or Bob "Jungle Death" Gerrard would take the honors this year.
Jeff Spicoli:Those guys are fags!
Stu Nahan: That's fantastic! Let me ask you a question. When you get out there, do you ever fear for your life?
Jeff Spicoli: Well Stu I'll tell you, surfing's not a sport, it's a way of life, you know, a hobby. It's a way of looking at that wave and saying, "Hey bud, let's party!"

HE'S SO RAW!

2010-02-12T13:41:00.000-08:00

My d--- is sort of like a white supremacist. I've got a Benetton heart and a f-----' David Duke c---. I'm going to start dating separately from my d---.

I HAVE SIX PAIRS

2010-02-12T11:10:00.000-08:00

Every pair comes with a grooming kit for your beard.

THOSE SMELL GOOD

2010-02-11T10:06:00.001-08:00

AMSTERDAM — A rose by any other name would smell as sweet, but apparently not sweet enough to conceal the scent of cocaine.

Dutch customs officials say they have intercepted a shipment of the drug hidden among 20,000 long-stem roses flown to the Netherlands from Colombia in time for the St. Valentine's Day holiday this week.

The National Prosecutor's office said Wednesday that four kilograms of the narcotic were divided into small packages, wrapped in cellophane, and hidden in the cardboard boxes holding the roses.

Two Dutch suspects were arrested. Police found more of the boxes and drugs in searches of their homes and garages. In all they uncovered 9 kilograms of highly purified cocaine with an estimated street value of $1.8 million.

DON'T GO IN THE WATER

2010-02-10T13:47:00.000-08:00

I WANT A HORSE MASSAGE

2010-02-10T10:24:00.000-08:00

Just 3 Boyz (Starring Tim & Eric, Zach Galifianakis) from FODPresents

PRIVATE EYES

2010-02-10T09:05:00.001-08:00

They're watching you....

HOLD UP YOUR GOBLET OF ROCK

2010-02-05T08:03:00.000-08:00

http://www.stringmetal.com/judgementday/

ALIEN LASERS TO YOUR FACE

2010-02-03T09:42:00.001-08:00

Gif maker
You are no Schwarzenegger my friend.

THAT TOILET IS GROSS

2010-02-03T07:43:00.000-08:00

Bathroommates featuring Martin Starr - watch more funny videos

THE FUTURE

2010-02-01T08:21:00.000-08:00

SELLECK WATERFALL SANDWiCH

2010-01-29T13:05:00.000-08:00

If you are going to do one thing in life it arguably could be visiting the blog Selleck Waterfall Sandwich . This blog delivers exactly what it says it will with tremendous artistry and passion. I worked on my own little homage to the the concept as a tribute. However, I hardly do the medium any justice. Take some time for yourself today and get lost in a land of enchantment, wonder and mustaches.

RAMBO 2 STYLE

2010-01-27T15:51:00.000-08:00

Don't think I forgot about you Wednesday! I still hate your stinking guts. Today I started thinking about how great it would be if you were getting tortured like Stallone in Rambo: First Blood Part 2. You know, the part where they keep dipping Rambo into some type of poo pool with diarrhea leeches in it. In and out of the pool all day long. That's my dream Wednesday. Next week I will set you up on the metal bedspring and pump 10000 volts into you. I hope everyone elses day is great.

Fun Fact:
"Rambo: First Blood Part II" (1985)
Total Body Count: 69
Kill Count Per Minute: 0.72
Torture Scenes: 5
Time of First Death In Film: 33min 34sec
Good Guys Killed: 1
Bad Guys Killed By Rambo: 58
Bad Guys Killed By Supporting Characters: 10

D SQUARED: ORIGINAL GANGSTER

2010-01-26T09:13:00.001-08:00

I am no longer surprised that D2 got into amateur porn after his stint at Bayside. It was the only logical choice that he had. When you are this baller there is no where to go but up. The only thing that would make this picture more awesome is if they had a young AC Slater representing Go-Bots.

THIS KID HAS "IT"

2010-01-25T11:48:00.000-08:00

Mini Daddy - watch more funny videos

Many thanks to the wonderful Andy McDev for sending me this amazing video. My Spanish is a bit rusty but I think this kid is rapping about world peace or cheetos.

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A BITE AND WE WILL TELL YOU

2010-01-21T10:53:00.000-08:00

FREE PUDDING DUDES (GUITAR RIFF)

2010-01-20T10:42:00.000-08:00

I watched Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure last night. At the end when they are presenting their totally awesome history presentation something came to my attention. No, besides the fact that Bill and Ted get to use the lighting system and that for some reason these history papers had to be presented in front of the entire school(San Dimas High School Football Rules!!! And so does history!). The thing that I didn't get is where all the pudding came from. In most of the crowd reaction shots, the San Dimans(?) are all destroying cups of pudding. These snacks are not seen during all the boring presentations but once B & T get on stage everyone gets pudding. I think that this is supposed to be some type of metaphor for something.

2010-01-14T07:14:00.000-08:00

UTAH!!!

2010-01-13T11:45:00.000-08:00

WHAT IS THE WEST COAST GUIDO?

2010-01-13T10:14:00.001-08:00

I have no idea what the equivalent of a guido is out on the west coast. Hippies, surfers? IOnce I find out you can bet that I have a reality show deal in place. This group of people can all come work in the chocolate covered banana hut I plan to purchase in Huntington beach. It will have some word associated with beach or coast or shore in the title.

THURSDAYS ON UHF

2010-01-07T10:22:00.001-08:00

IT'S EITHER THIS OR A REALITY SHOW

2010-01-06T11:41:00.001-08:00

I think I found a way to finally find true love (my reality show Cock of Love did not "work" for VH1). Beautiful People is a dating website for those of us who are ridiculously good looking but don't have the time to go out and meet people in public. They are so committed to serving their clientèle that after the holidays they booted over two thousand members for gaining too much weight. Maybe I should let the super P.R. savvy founder of the site, Robert Hintze, explain the business decision;

As a business, we mourn the loss of any member, but the fact remains that our members demand the high standard of beauty be upheld. Letting fatties roam the site is a direct threat to our business model and the very concept for which BeautifulPeople.com was founded.

Hell yeah Robert. Fuck all those stupid fat people looking for love. Guys like us need to stick together. Ugly and fat people just don't get what it's like to be on our level. When I go on my creepy internet dating site I want to make sure there aren't a bunch of six and sevens who think they are nines and tens.

WHERE ARE ALL THE FLYING CARS?

2010-01-05T13:43:00.001-08:00

I just don't get it. Shouldn't we have flying cars by now? When I was watching movies during my more formative years they always implied that by 2010 we would at least have some sort of flying conveyance. I am not expecting that everyone has terminators, laser guns and a vacation spot on the moon, but I did expect cars that could fly. Sure, a few people have been able to build "prototypes", but that's simply slang for "car you will never drive." I am looking to one of the major car companies to stop caring so much about the doggoned environment and start making cars that can fly, or at least drive themselves.

THEY WILL DESTROY US ALL

2009-12-31T14:09:00.001-08:00

FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU

2009-12-31T07:27:00.001-08:00

STOP THROWING DOG SHIT

2009-12-30T13:09:00.001-08:00

I have to admit sometimes I feel like things happen for a reason, that somehow an invisible force is guiding me. Today was one of those days. I walked out of my office (not the bathroom) to head towards a lunch spot to get some soup. Only when I got to the store they only had cream of broccoli available (I hate broccoli as much as I love puppies, which is a lot). So I decided to go around the corner and find some soup with no broccoli in it. When I turn the corner I see that two men are having somewhat of an animated discussion in front of a parking car lot.

One of the gentlemen in question is walking his tiny fancy dog, has a bag of dog shit in his hand, and looks something like this;

The other gentleman is an employee of the garage and looks like he is trying to explain something to our fancy friend. When I walk by the conversation it becomes clear that the parking attendant does not want this man to throw dog shit in the trash can he is putting a new bag in. What I heard went something like this;

Douchebag: What do you mean I can’t put the trash in this garbage can? That is RIDICULOUS!!
Attendant: This is a private trash can for the lot. I was just moving it inside right now after I had changed it.

I am just getting out of earshot when I hear a loud “HEY!” I turn around to see that our douchie pal had decided that nobody is going to tell him where he can and can’t throw princesses doodies. I bet he didn’t expect that the attendant would take the shitbag from the trash and throw it on his fancy new clothes. So he returns fire with the bag. Then the attendant does. Then douchebag throws it again And then they got into what I can only describe as some sort of slap boxing/dance routine. I wish that I had it on video because it would have been the type of thing that holiday miracles are made of. Keep doing your job invisible voices, that made my day.

WHAT'S ON TONIGHT: BACK TO BACK GOLDEN GIRLS

2009-12-29T12:49:00.000-08:00

ROSE THE PRUDE
In this episode we have a Rose centered episode where we find out many things about Rose's history and her character in general. Blanche and Rose take on blind dates and Rose's date turns out to be a jewel since he invites her to a personal cruise where Rose is faced with the question "can she handle being with another man since her husband died?"

A LETTER TO GORBACHEV
Rose writes a letter to both world leaders, Gorbachev and Reagan. She does this after a small child in her group draws a picture of a not so pleasant future for the world. Rose gets a response from the Soviet Union and a nice twist of events occur in Miami.

DROPPING KNOWLEDGE

2009-12-23T12:35:00.001-08:00

Thank you dump.com.

MERRY CHRISTMAS ASSBAG

2009-12-23T08:53:00.000-08:00

At first I wasn't going to buy you anything for Christmas this year. Then I thought that even though you are a horrible, rotten, no good excuse for a day it doesn't mean that you shouldn't get something special during the holidays. So I thought real hard about the gift and decided to make you something myself. I hope you like it.

PS It's a box filled with my shit.

CLAUS BROUGHT UP ON CHARGES

2009-12-22T10:20:00.001-08:00

North Pole police have arrested one Santa Claus early this morning. The warrant for his arrest was issued when multiple elves came forward with accusations of sexual harassment and physical abuse. Stories are now coming to light with accounts of sub standard work place conditions and a climate of fear from the North Poles leading provider of jobs.

Tinkle Boogle, one of the elves, spoke about what led him to come forward against the SCHTW (Santa Claus Happy Time Workshop). “The conditions in the workstation are deplorable, we have one break every eight hours and injuries often go untreated,” said Boogle. “You would think we were working for Nike.”

Perhaps more damning have been the accusations of sexual harassment. The complaints paint a picture of a serial molester and masochist. One source, who refused to be named in this story, has said “let’s just say that he was a little bit more than ‘jolly’ when it came to his interactions female employees.”

When reached for comment Claus’ lawyer Frosty T. Snowman called the suit “pathetic and without merit.” He added, “Mr. Claus fully expects to be exonerated when both sides of the case have been presented in a court of law.”

Claus is currently still in North Pole jail as he was considered a flight risk. The elves are being represented in the suit by Gloria Allred and Mark Geragos.

"I'M NEVER DOING CAT FANCY AGAIN"

2009-12-18T11:36:00.000-08:00

NEXT SEASON'S BIG HOLIDAY HIT

2009-12-17T13:02:00.000-08:00

The script has already been written. I am just looking for someone with vision to produce it.

Get these motherfucking wise men out of my mother fucking manger! ~ Joseph of Arimathea as played by the great Sir Samuel Jackson.

SOMEONE FROM COMMENTS HAS A CRUSH ON YOU KNOW WHO

2009-12-15T11:13:00.000-08:00

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This message was in the comments section from my post on Friday about Buttons the sad cat. When I click on the text it takes me to a site filled with many young ladies posed like the picture above. Some people would have you think that this is merely some spam. Well, fuck those people. All of these pretty babes want to get frisky with Burt, not you! Don't try to stop our love.

THAT’S ONE SAD CAT

2009-12-11T10:14:00.001-08:00

What could have possibly happened to make this cat so sad? I think that many would say it probably has something to do with that boring striped sweater he is wearing (stripes are out you know). I think that it is much deeper than that. There is a story here and I may just have the explanation.

In my mind this cat’s name is Buttons. He lives a comfortable life with his owners Stacy and Rob. Buttons likes to chase birds and take long naps. What he doesn’t like is having carrot cake on his birthday! I could just see the Buttons running to the table for his birthday dinner and instead of the chocolate ice cream cake, which he specifically had asked for, Rob blew the cake assignment on his way home from work and brought that abomination home with him. Way to go Rob! You ruined Buttons birthday.

I WORK OUT 8 DAYS A WEEK

2009-12-10T12:45:00.000-08:00

Look at these guys. They are puny. It looks like they work out maybe 5 days a week, tops. I work out 8 days a week. Four days for the upper body (chest, back, guns), four days for the lower body (butt, calves, leg guns) and I do abs every single fucking day. This guy has the nerve to call his stomach the situation? More like no fucking situation dillweed (BURN! Hi Five). I call my abs the Annexation of Puerto Rico. Got that shit trademarked. I'm not even going to get into how much I bench. Step your game up fellas or all the guidettes are gonna be tuggin on my longshoreman when I get to town.

NOT SO FAST BROTHER MUNSON

2009-12-09T10:15:00.000-08:00

href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_bf0LksOYgCg/Sx_yvdiVWXI/AAAAAAAABCU/o9dTvb4x83s/s1600-h/amish.jpg">
Yesterday I read a story about Amish man who ran afoul with the law while driving his buggy. He was all hopped up on grandpappies cough syrup. You can read more about the story here . The thing that I thought was so good about the story was that it reminded me of this exchange from Black Sheep;

Motorcycle Cop: Tell me, officer, do you have any idea how fast you were going?
Mike: Well, I got a 426 hemi here, 3/4 cams, nitro boosters, I can get 'er up to as good as 155! Never do, though, of course, unless I'm chasing a cute chick in a Ferrari! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I guess I was goin' about... 65, tops.
Motorcycle Cop: SEVEN! SEVEN miles an hour! And normally, when I stop people, they pull onto the *shoulder*!
Motorcycle Cop: I don't know how they do things up in Buckley Town, but down here, we are caution for other drivers on the road.
Steve: Roades, Roods.
Mike: [reaches back and smacks Steve] Quiet back there. Geez, raving psycho, we arrested him becuase he butchered over 300 chickens and screwed a Begal. I'm taking him back to Navada where he's wanted for Bangin Horses'.
Motorcycle Cop: [looks in the back seat and Steve smiles at him] Good God! Just make sure you get him through this state a little faster then 7 miles an hour officer...
Mike: Meoff... Jack.
[looks back at Steve and laughs making a jerking off motion]
Motorcycle Cop: Ok? now get him out of here.
Mike: Ookie Dookie.

Then I laughed because I imagined that this asshole was the one screwing beagles and banging horses.

MACHO MAN TALKS TO MY SANDWICH

2009-12-08T10:31:00.001-08:00

I am hungry as a mafugga right now. All I can think about is the sandwich I am about to eat for lunch. I don’t care what comes on it but it is going to be on a hard roll and covered in mustard. I plan on absolutely devastating this sandwich. The problem I have is that I don’t know how to tell this sandwich the kind of hurt I am going to put on it. Therefore, I have enlisted the help of one Macho Man Randall Savage to do the talking for me. Macho?

OOHHHHHHHHHHH YEAH!!!!! When Burt gets into the ring two hours from now to face off against the sandwich special you better believe there is gonna be a bloodbath. OHHHHHHHH YEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! He’s gonna take that soft little sando and put him in a OOOOHHHHHH YEAHHHHHHH RUNNING POWERSLAM!!!!!! Then its off to the top rope with a bag of chips, OHHHHHHHHH YEAAAAAAH BARBEQUE FLAVOR!!!!! Double elbow drop off the top rope with a bag of chips in his mouth OOOOOHHHHH YEAAAAHHHHH MAYBE SOUR CREAM AND ONION INSTEAD. OOHHHHHHH YEAH! Then its 1….2….3….and that sandwich is destroyed forever. OOOOOOOOOOOH YEAAAAAAAAAH.

WHAT'S ON TONIGHT

2009-12-04T11:43:00.001-08:00

Episode 15: I've Got a New Attitude
Willie catches ALF from eating a box of chocolate that was to be a Valentine's Day present for Kate. This incites Willie to give ALF a lecture on how ALF does not respect private property and needs to adopt a new attitude. Also, Kate's mom is moving out of the Tanners' house. The problem is that her new neighbor, Whizzer, wants to come help Dorothy move her stuff. Which means ALF has to hide from him. Kate likes Whizzer and suggests that they invite him over for a dinner. Dorothy doesn't want that. ALF interjects by claiming to have spoken to Dorothy's dead husband Sparky's spirit, who wants Dorothy to move on. Apparently, all Melmacians have the ability to speak to the dead. Dorothy wants ALF to prove his ability and let her speak to Sparky through ALF...

A SHOE FOR A SHOE

2009-12-03T10:38:00.000-08:00

Remember the guy that threw a shoe at Dubya? Well he got a little bit of his own medicine this past week when, in a press conference, someone tried to deliver some footwear justice of their own. Don’t worry, he is ok. He was able to avoid the shoe using the same duck technique employed by his original target.

What I don’t like about this story is that neither man could connect with their target. Come on! If you are going to throw a show at someone it needs to be lightweight and balanced. You are never going to get anywhere in life throwing heavy dress shoes. You have to think about form and function. I could hit a man in a dead sprint from fifty yards out with any running shoe but if you asked me to do it with a dress shoe I may not even make it past my feet. Damn that polish!

A NEW PLAN

2009-12-02T10:42:00.001-08:00

Had a little bit to eat over Thanksgiving did we? Overindulged a bit? Then you have fallen into my trap. As we speak I've drugged you with a highly powerful neurotoxin. You won't feel the effects, at first. Soon your body will grow tired and you will wake up in a leaky garage with junk food all around you. At this point you may feel a burning pain coming from the 2 hole. Don't worry, it's all part of my plan. Or should I say Wu Tang's plan.

I'll fuckin sew your asshole closed, and keep feedin you and feedin you, and feedin you, and feedin you.

You are going to pop like a balloon fatass.

THANKSGIVING RUINED ME

2009-11-30T12:25:00.000-08:00

Today has been horrible. When I say that I rolled out of bed this morning I mean exactly that. When I awoke covered in sweat from nightmares about eating and drinking I also realized that my back is in severe pain from a game of "two touch" football over the weekend. I then proceeded to roll onto the floor by my bed before falling asleep in the shower. Then I got on the bus and went to work. Right now I am falling asleep sitting up and I think I may have to go number three very soon. Hope everyone else had a great Thanksgiving.

LET'S BREAK BREAD

2009-11-25T10:06:00.000-08:00

I know that I give you a hard time Wednesday. In fact I hate you stupid guts, but this is the time of year to be thankful for everything that we have in life. Yes, even monster sized dongbags like yourself. That's why I would like you to join me for Thanksgiving dinner. We will drown ourselves in old fashioned's and then get high to the bejesus on tryptophan. Perhaps after dinner we could have a cigar or a puff from my ceremonial peace pipe. All in all it will be a wonderful celebration. I promise that I will be a gentleman and that no harm will come your way. Unless you consider Aunt Flo's Ambrosia salad torture(lol). See you there you dirty motherfucking asshole.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DANNY WAQUIAO

2009-11-24T11:47:00.000-08:00

Today is the birthday of noted pugilist, chef, smuggler, cupcake aficionado, lover and all around great person, Danny Waquiao. I would like to raise my glass to toast our birthday hero and to remind everyone else to do the same. Here's to you Waquiao!!!

Love Burt

PS Watch yourself Knophlis.

HAPPY FRIDAY FROM SILKY

2009-11-20T15:13:00.001-08:00

THAAAANKS DAD

2009-11-19T09:13:00.000-08:00

A story making its way around the interwebs this week involves a father who took his 11 year old son to Hooters after a football game. The father’s plan was to see how his son reacted and gauge whether or not it was time to talk about the birds and bees. The World’s Number One Dad (I am sure he has the Tshirt) has now come under fire from others who find it to be bad parenting. The most common complaint is that you are teaching a child to objectify women at a very young age. While I completely agree with this assessment, it is not the reason why I disapprove of a man taking his son to Hooters. I find fault in his parenting because Hooters food is fucking terrible. How are you going to subject your son to something like that? Do you want him to move out at 18 and never look back? Well, that’s what is going to happen if you keep this shit up pops. The nuclear diarrhea that one gets from ingesting any type of Hooters entrée could tear assholes and families apart. If you want to see where your son is at in regards to the ladies leave a dirty magazine out and see if he takes the bait. But for the love of sweet baby Jebus do not subject him to those wings.

HAVE FUN AT THE KUMITE

2009-11-18T09:30:00.001-08:00

I entered Wednesday in the Kumite. If you are not familiar with the Kumite then I would not like to know you. Wednesday will have to compete with some of the worlds top fighters. I am pretty sure that the end result will be Wednesday shitting his pants as he says "MATE!" Why would I sign him up for something where I knew that the outcome would be less than positive? Well if I can take a page from the great Donald Gibb (Ogre) who plays Ray Jackson in Bloodsport...

WANTED: BABY SEAL

2009-11-17T11:28:00.001-08:00

Does anyone have any idea where I can get my hands on a baby seal? I have wanted one for a long time now and none of the pet stores in my area seem to carry them. First off, let me assure you that I have no intentions of harming this seal or eating its delicious (so I am told) blubber. I just want to have a baby seal that lives in the bathtub in my apartment. I have taken the necessary precaution of installing rubber floors so that the baby seal can leave the bathtub whenever he sees fit to bask in the sun from the skylight I plan on drilling through my upstairs neighbor's floor this weekend. It's pretty obvious that I have planned ahead with regards to this situation. The only thing left to do is to find said seal and name him. My first choice is to name him snowball but I also really like the name freckles.

TOUGH LOVE IS TOUGH TO WATCH

2009-11-16T14:30:00.001-08:00

I wish that I could go back in time and spend the hour that I wasted on this show yesterday doing something much more productive, like watching paint dry. It’s not that the show doesn’t have its moments. All of the women on the show have their own unique form of crazy and I guess that is kind of interesting. There is the girl who used to be fat, the girl who wants to get married at all costs, and of course a nice little sprinkling of gold diggers (always after me lucky charms I tells ya). The thing that gets my goat about this show, and many other ones for that matter, are the obvious plans that some off these people have to become “reality famous.” It is only a matter of time until these ladies try to out-crazy one another for the title. Right now my money is on this lady;

Her name is Rocky and she considers herself to be a rocker, artist and tequila drinker. It just so happens that she has 10 songs written for a yet to be published album and she can rap too! With all that talent it’s a wonder why she would go on a reality show to find love. If this lady somehow finagles stardom out this show I will eat my own hat.

WHAT'S ON TONIGHT

2009-11-12T11:21:00.000-08:00

Corky gets lost and wanders around the mean streets of Chicago. He meets a kindhearted, young hooker who gives him his first sexual experience-essentially a few long kisses. (The episode is intentionally vague over whether they went further.) Corky is shadowed (and mystically guided) throughout the evening by a semi-mythic blues singer, the great Leon Redbone. Becca and Tyler spend a rainy, frustrated evening driving around Chicago looking for Corky, and end up smooching in the car. This episode was filmed mostly in black and white.

IN YOUR FACE

2009-11-11T13:50:00.000-08:00

Leave it to that knucklehead Garfield to sum up all my feelings about Wednesday in one poignant picture. Just look at him! I bet he woke up in the morning and put on those workout clothes ready to conquer the day. Then he probably realized that it was Wednesday. Now, I am not sure that animated cats can read calendars, but I bet once Garfield realized it was Wednesday he headed straight for the kitchen for some of John Arbuckle's lasagna. Why would he give any effort on the worst day of the week? He may be a fat and lazy fuck, but I agree with him completely.

2009-11-06T10:26:00.000-08:00

Get some sour cream and onion chips with some dip, man, some beef jerky, some peanut butter. Get some Häagen-Dazs ice cream bars, a whole lot, make sure chocolate, gotta have chocolate, man. Some popcorn, red popcorn, graham crackers, graham crackers with marshmallows, the little marshmallows and little chocolate bars and we can make s'mores, man. Also, celery, grape jelly, Cap'n Crunch with the little Crunch berries, pizzas. We need two big pizzas, man, everything on 'em, with water, whole lotta water, and Funyons.

FRIDAY IS AS COOL AS ANIMAL

2009-11-06T10:16:00.001-08:00

Knife Bird vs. Erotic Falconry

2009-11-05T11:17:00.000-08:00

This first picture was sent to me by my friend Nad via the site for Unreality Magazine . This picture is not short on awesomeness. It also helps that Nad had this to say about it;

that eagle loves freedom and will stab you if you dont love it as much as he does

Truer words have never been spoken.

Then we have this photo...

It is from Erotic Falconry . There are many others on the site but this one sings to my heart. I imagine that if this falcon could talk he would be saying "BOOYEAH!"

To me, there is no clear winner. Both photos have a unique point of expression, but if either of these birds were wearing sunglasses we would have a winner.

If you think you can find a better picture of birds (WITH SUNGLASSES?!?!?) than these please send them my way. Or don't, its not like I give a shit.

Run for your life

2009-11-04T14:47:00.001-08:00

Run you tubby little bitch. Run for your mafuggin life you lazy, smelly, good for nothing, abomination of a day.

Old Fashioned Thinking

2009-11-03T11:39:00.001-08:00

"Call me old fashioned ... but I think we should worship the sun and moon as powerful gods, and fear them."
~Thomas Lennon

Keep your head on a swivel BC

2009-10-30T14:41:00.001-07:00

My amigo, Shoopus Allieoopis, sent me a story about a young woman who has assaulted 4 men in Langley, B.C. The interesting part about these attacks is that they have all been aimed at the family jewels. Before you laugh about some girl going around and kicking guys in the nuts maybe you should read this excerpt from the article;

"I was looking down and then I took a passing glance and saw her walk up to me," he said.

That's when the young woman inexplicably kicked him in the groin hard enough to send one of his testicles into his abdomen.

That's right, into his fucking abdomen. JEBUS! If I am a guy living in BC you can bet that I am on high alert at all times with this crazy lady out on the street. I would also be wearing a cup and arm myself with pepper spray or mace. My balls hurt just thinking about it.

Some people had to go to work today

2009-10-30T08:19:00.000-07:00

Tell you what dipshit

2009-10-28T10:46:00.000-07:00

Here is what is going to happen. You are going to stop being the most unforgiving day in the week. If you don't, I am going to let the dogs have at the 12 pack of Oscar Meyer's finest tied around your waste. Your choice asshole.

P.S. A hungry dog will pretty much eat anything.

A look into the future

2009-10-27T12:00:00.000-07:00

Every time I see pictures of Lindsay Lohan I have a few questions. What happened to her “bright” career? Why was Herbie not a critical success? How can someone work so hard all the time and still find time to have fun? And what will she look like if she makes it to 40? Unfortunately, answers to those questions seem to be complicated and hard to reach, all of them except the how she will look at the age of 40.

Earlier this year, I commissioned a crack team of age generation specialists to interpret what we can expect Lindsay to look like at the age of 40. The results were less than satisfactory. That’s when I decided that if you want something done right you have to do it yourself. So, I used my own hi tech software (MS paint) and came up with this depiction. It seems that all you have to do is draw some blonde hair on the Poltergeist lady and you have a dead ringer.

Yeeeeeeeehhhhaaaaawwwwww

2009-10-23T10:54:00.000-07:00

Scientists hard at work on sending Balloon Boys family into space

2009-10-22T10:38:00.000-07:00

NASA scientists announced a plan this week to send the Heene family into space. The Heenes gained national recognition with a failed publicity stunt that involved one of the children and an experimental aircraft. The stunt did not deter NASA from exploring

“Our plan,” said chief NASA scientist Charles F. Poone, “is to take the aircraft design that the Heenes created and make one that actually works. Of course, we also plan on enlarging the craft so that the whole family can fit on board for this prestigious mission.”

Charges against the family have been dropped on the condition that they participate in the study. The Heenes have signed on and will begin preparations over the next three months.

Poone stated that the training will not be too rigorous as they have already been made aware of the families’ weak stomachs. They also want to make sure that the craft is built to NASA standards.

“What we want to do is create a craft that can safely send the entire family into space.”

When pressed about further plans to retrieve the family Poone was a bit perturbed.

“I don’t think you understand. The plan is to send the family into space. That’s it. Our greatest hope in that they go out into orbit and never return again. If the balloon pops on the way up, so be it.”

It's GLORIOUS

2009-10-21T07:59:00.000-07:00

PLEASE CLICK ON THE PICTURE TO VIEW IT'S FULL GLORY

I am proud to say that this week's Wednesday post was user submitted. Our submitter, Katy, took enough time between knife fights to create this work of art. There are so many things about this picture that pull me in. The baby infecting Wednesday with what I can only assume are measles or the pig herpes. Giraffe Puke. Friday looking like he is a Fonzi esque playboy. Thursday looks like she is a total dime. And more giraffe puke.

Pictures like this take you away to another world. Their beauty inspires you to create and inspire. I imagine this is the feeling one gets when they see the Mona Lisa or a really good video of animals doing it. This picture is my Graceland.

I wash myself with a rag on a stick

2009-10-20T13:14:00.000-07:00

A British gentleman weighing in at an astounding 980 pounds needs a life saving operation from complications with an eating disorder (I know, I was shocked too). The thing that fascinated me the most about the article (besides that this gentleman hasn’t migrated to the northern seas) were the statistics involved. I came up with a few of my own so see if you can guess which they are.

The previous world's fattest man, Manuel Uribe, once weighed an unbelievable 1,230 pounds, but has lost more than 500 pounds after following a specially designed, low-carb diet (hey maybe this guy should try that)

A typical fart by this man weighs 2.4 pounds

He has spent much of the past eight years in bed at his home in Ipswich in Suffolk, England (to be fair, it’s a waterbed and it’s awesome)

His daily caloric intake is 20,000. That is 34.72 Big Macs or 54.05 Taco Bell bean burritos

His health care costs taxpayers an estimated $165,000 a year.(you could buy a lot of Big Macs or bean burritos with that type of scratch)

A ride in the 5 ton ambulance to the surgery will cost $148,000

I really hope that everything goes smoothly for this man as he begins a new and healthier life. I also hope to have a Big Mac later.

My life is like Oregon Trail

2009-10-19T11:36:00.001-07:00

When I awoke in the dark this morning and stubbed my toe I couldn’t help but think that this was going to be a great day. Mondays are already just super to begin with, what with all the dealing with hangovers and the sad realization that the weekend is over. For the past few hours I have been trying to figure out a way to describe this day and I think I found a way to express that sentiment.

Right now, I feel like I am stuck in the back of the wagon on Oregon Trail. We have no more bullets left, two more rivers to ford, and Mary just broke her arm. There is a 100% chance that things are going to shit.

Monday, you aren’t Wednesday but you are getting dangerously close.

Cut from the same cloth

2009-10-16T08:55:00.000-07:00

An answer for every question

2009-10-15T11:28:00.000-07:00

Q: Do you like Phil Collins?

A: I have two ears and a heart don't I?

Amazazing

2009-10-15T08:59:00.001-07:00

Shut up woman get on my horse

Throw him in the iron maiden!!!

2009-10-14T08:57:00.001-07:00

WWBD

2009-10-13T15:57:00.000-07:00

Go home, eat a grilled chaz samich, watch one hour of PBS, work on that paper about 80's films connection to satanic ritual and then get in to bed before the demons come to take me back to Galagon 7.

Friday face melter

2009-10-09T12:22:00.000-07:00

2009-10-08T12:47:00.000-07:00

This video is a very good representation of what you can expect from any of SF MUNI’s premier bus lines in the city. The highlights for me in this video were;

The use of the classic line “say that to me one more time”

That awesome jacket

Old sunglasses Mcgee watching her six

Everyone trying to ignore the situation

The most telegraphed punch in the history of time

The mouths on these two

The screaming

And the final front kick from our jacket wearing friend

They need to make more movies like Dark Blue

2009-10-08T11:41:00.000-07:00

If only for quotes like this;

Pull this off, you'll be sitting on waterskis...
sucking fumes from my new boat...
a couple of kegs and hookers in Lake Havasu.

I think I have a new fan...EXCITING!!!

2009-10-06T14:40:00.000-07:00

This comment was in regards to the post Killing sharks for a week is not easy . My biggest fan's name is dick, I mean Richard.

I have a better idea of what to do with your time:

1./ Grow UP!

2. No one is impressed with such a useless activity.. how hard is this?

They are USEFUL in nature, UNLIKE you... in fact, IF you really want to be famous... here is a hint:

Slice your wrists & dive in a LET YOUR CAMERAMEN PICK UP THE PHOTAGE...NOW THAT IS A SHOW, i WOULD watch, at least once... and hopefully the shark will not of your toxins! regards... am totally sick of fat white guys not wanting to be constructive with their God given lives... want to make a real difference..? Catch eatable fish (not shark!) and give them to the poor... adios

I am going to get right to work on that. Sounds fun.

So that's why he was always cooking

2009-10-02T07:50:00.001-07:00

Jeremiah was a bullfrog…and an asshole

2009-10-01T11:27:00.001-07:00

That’s right. He was also a womanizer and a smack addict. On many occasions he would steal from his friends in order to support these habits. To his credit, he did have some mighty fine wine. However, that is where the positives end. So if you ever happen to see a drunk/high bullfrog with a Thai hooker and a box of wine, walk the other way.

A message from Puff

2009-09-30T10:43:00.000-07:00

If I had my way, I'd never work. I'd just stay home all day, watch Scarface 50 times, eat a turkey sandwich, and have sex all fucking day. Then I'd dress up like a clown, and surprise kids at schools. Then I'd take a dump in the back of a movie theater, and just wait until somebody sat in it. Hear it squish. That's funny to me. Then I'd paint, and read, and play violin. I'd climb the mountains, and sing the songs that I like to sing. But I don't got that kinda time.

Enjoy your day

2009-09-30T10:37:00.000-07:00

I hope all the bad things in life happen to you and only you.

Killing sharks for a week is not easy

2009-09-25T14:03:00.001-07:00

I will be back in action next week where topics of discussion may include the placements of doilies in a living room setting, the benefits of cheese as lube, early French authors, and whether or not using saran wrap as a condom is an effective birth control method.

Banned? From Cracker Barrell? For Life?

2009-09-18T11:43:00.001-07:00

This is Troy West. Troy thought that he could walk into a Cracker Barrel and physically and verbally assault a woman and her child. Well, it turns out that besides the law, Cracker Barrel also has their own form of justice for mouth breathers like Troy. Cracker Barrel had come down hard with a LIFETIME BAN to any of their restaurants. When you look at Troy I think it's pretty clear that news like this is devastating. Where will he get his Fancy Fixins now!?!?

Emperor Norton, I salute you

2009-09-17T12:00:00.000-07:00

Today marks the 150th anniversary of Emperor Norton ascending to power. If you have never heard of the “Emperor of these United States” you can read all about him in a great article from the SF Chronicle’s Carl Nolte right here. Wikipedia explains;

Joshua Abraham Norton (c. 1819[2] – January 8, 1880), the self-proclaimed His Imperial Majesty Emperor Norton I, was a celebrated citizen of San Francisco, California, who in 1859 proclaimed himself "Emperor of these United States"[3] and subsequently "Protector of Mexico."[4]

Born in London, Norton spent most of his early life in South Africa. He emigrated to San Francisco in 1849 after receiving a bequest of $40,000 from his father's estate. Norton initially made a living as a businessman, but he lost his fortune investing in Peruvian rice.[5]

After losing a lawsuit in which he tried to void his rice contract, Norton left San Francisco. He returned a few years later, apparently mentally unbalanced, claiming to be the emperor of the United States.[6] Although he had no political power, and his influence extended only so far as he was humored by those around him, he was treated deferentially in San Francisco, and currency issued in his name was honored in the establishments he frequented.

Though he was considered insane, or at least highly eccentric,[7] the citizens of San Francisco celebrated his regal presence and his proclamations, most famously, his "order" that the United States Congress be dissolved by force (which Congress and the U.S. Army ignored) and his numerous decrees calling for a bridge and a tunnel to be built across San Francisco Bay.[8] On January 8, 1880, Norton collapsed at a street corner, and died before he could be given medical treatment. The following day, nearly 30,000 people packed the streets of San Francisco to pay homage to Norton.[9] Norton's legacy has been immortalized in the literature of writers Mark Twain and Robert Louis Stevenson, who based characters on him. In December 2004, a resolution was made to name the San Francisco – Oakland Bay Bridge in honor of Norton, but the idea did not progress further.[10]

This is the greatest idea of all time. Basically, he didn’t like how the chips were stacking up for him in life and he did something about it. Not only did he get everything for free but he walked around in a sweet uniform that included a sword. Yeah, that’s not awesome. IT”S FUCKING AWESOME. With respect to our deceased leader I too would like to change my title. Henceforth, I shall be known as His Majesty of Sexy Time Super Coolness and Protector of Woodland Creatures.

I think I know where I may be going after work.

Eat a fart Wednesday

2009-09-16T08:56:00.000-07:00

The things that we can do with computers today. Technology like you would not believe.

Back off Warchild, seriously!

2009-09-15T09:47:00.000-07:00

Can't Stop, Won't Stop

2009-09-14T13:45:00.000-07:00

It just keeps getting better.

Things I plan on doing today

2009-09-11T10:36:00.000-07:00

I thought I would take a minute today to salute the people who passed away eight years ago and those who continue to fight for our freedom around the world. I would also like to salute America by doing the following today;

Eat a bacon cheeseburger

Salute the flag

Listen to Johnny Cash read the Declaration of Independence

Look at pornography

Drink whiskey

Pay homage to my god (Mr. Stupendous)

Yeah, I can do all these things in America. If you don’t like it you can GEEEEEET OUT!

"He then started throwing the sea creatures."

2009-09-10T09:20:00.001-07:00

This is Keith Edward Marriott. Keith likes the simple things in life, tanning, malt liquor and pretending to drown in order to throw jellyfish at people. You can read all about this modern day Poseidon right here .

After reading this article one thing becomes abundantly clear, I want to party with KEM. I want to develop sun stroke, drink a bottle of night train and fuck people up jellyfish style with him. Here is a guy who obviously is just trying to have a good time at the beach and bunch of stuck up party poopers had to ruin his fun. Keep on keeping on KEM.